nicole. . .

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is keep writing this gibberish to keep from breaking apart.” - The Perk of Being A Wallflower

It’s been a looong time since I’ve been on here. I guess not much has really happened and I haven’t really had anything meaningful to say. However, after this past weekend I just don’t know WHAT to say.

I FINALLY turned 21 and, more importantly, celebrated one year with the most amazing guy ever. Everything about the “events” were absolutely incredible and way too much. My mom got me a Coach purse and PAID OFF my car. I had around $1300 left on it. That’s INSANE! When I opened the purse and read the paper I almost started crying. Here, the lady who I’m the biggest bitch to, paid off my car, got me an expensive purse, AND an expensive tent. It was all way too much. I am very, very, very grateful and lucky. I’m not sure what I did to deserve it. Yeah, 21 is a big age but in the sense of being able to get f’ed up and black out and pass out legally. I was a bit overwhelmed. I haven’t been the best daughter (Or girlfriend, see next paragraph) lately. I take things for granted, I get an attitude, and I’m aching for independence while still wanting to be dependent on my parents. They really have done so much for ALL of us and I’m glad that some of us (my brothers) are halfway decent to them. We don’t make it easy on them, yet somehow they love us and support us no matter what.

Then there is my amazing boyfriend. Not only has he put up with me for an entire year, as official by Facebook, but has stayed up until midnight TWICE to say Happy Birthday and kiss me.. TWICE! It really has been one of the best years of my entire life. It’s weird because it’s like I’m finally getting used to it. I’ve never been the girl to need 5 guys at once. In fact, even if I like a guy I don’t bother with anyone else. Knowing and accepting I was in a relationship was not the issue by any means. It’s taken me a while to realize that it’s NOT just me. Yeah, I like to be independent and I’m sure he would thank me for not being clingy, but I have someone. Someone who I finally feel like if we got in a fight or a disagreement or whatever, he’d want to work it out with me and just wouldn’t give up on me, or us. I am completely different and the same from last year. I’m still me, but I have someone to share things with, show me new things, and just make me a better person. He really does make me want to be a better person. I want to be someone who he’s proud of or will just say “Yeah, that’s my girlfriend” and brag about me. That’s why I want to dress cuter, be more active, do the best in school and work, be goofy, crawl out of my shell, make someone smile, change something. I know he would never ask me to change and he tells me to just keep being me. I will, but I want to make him even the slightest bit as happy as he makes me. Having him there this weekend, meeting his friends, and him asking me to be included with Friends Day/Nights meant a lot. Finally I feel like I’m being intertwined in his life. Finally I feel like I’m his long-term girlfriend. He really is great. I’ve said it since before day 1 and I’ll say it no matter what. I’m so lucky that the good times outweigh the bad and that even if things felt weird and I got crabby, it was him it was with.

For my birthday and our ANNIVERSARY he got me the hiking backpack I wanted, a sushi maker, a cookbook, and a trip to  Nashville and California. I’m still speechless at all of it. I’m a pretty simple person in general but the fact that he got me all the weird/random stuff I wanted was impressive. I can’t wait to spend a week with him and make it up to him. He spent way too much on me too. I am so so so so so lucky, happy, surprised, grateful, everything. I can’t explain it. It was the sweetest thing ever.

I’m lucky. Let’s just say that.

We went out at Trinity at first. I got sick over the bathroom floor and in the bathroom. I had AMAZING friends there. Melissa cleaned it up off of the floor and Ashley had gum and a hair-tie. That meant a lot too. Melissa also brought me a “Finally 21” sash and Ashley got me a happy birthday heart shaped pin with confetti inside. Amazing. My family came, which meant a lot. And a whole bunch of people who I didn’t expect but, once again, meant a lot. Chris was amazing and made sure I was okay and talked to everyone. We went to Rosies which was fun too. I’m glad I was pretty much completely sober when we got back and I’m glad that he was drunk and had a good time. And he looked pretty good too… [;

Saturday morning we grabbed breakfast and hung out at my house for a bit. Then we went to his friend’s cookout and to Maroon 5 and finally out to Flannerys. All of it was fun and I’m glad I was a part of all of it.

Sunday, I worked. But came home to a family birthday party with delicious drinks, food, and cupcakes.

Monday, we went to the Brewer’s game. I got to know Michelle decently. I got to experience 21 a bit more. And I got to be with him.

I’ll take, remember, and love all of it. What a great weekend. 

I’m not the girl you want to party with, shop with, or have girl’s night with. I AM the girl who you’ll bitch to when all of those fail, get sketchy, or you just need someone who will listen and give the best advice they can. And then YOU are the person who goes MIA when things start getting heavy for me. I know exactly why you do this- I’m always there, too nice, and will do what it takes to make you okay again. I never thought that wanting people to be happy would end up slapping me in the face in the end. A simple thank you would be fantastic. I guess there is a price you have to pay for being nice and trying to be a good person- maybe this is why so many people aren’t?

It’s January 3 and so far, I’ve already crushed my New Years Resolution of not holding back and being better and bringing up what I need to say. However, I will say that I’ve already been seeing improvements. 

Here’s a list of things I do want to do this year:

- 4.0 at UWM
- Find a new job, or at least make some adjustments at the current one
- Find an apartment
- Turn 21, and live
- Vist Eau Claire
- Play guitar 30 minutes every day, or 1 hour every other day. Minimum
- Go hiking, rafting, jet skiing, tubing, etc.
- Make a bigger efforts towards: family, the boyfriend, friends, school, work, life
- Start to say goodbye to Shy Mode Nicole
- Prove you wrong or, better yet, you prove me wrong 
- Change the world, or a world